Monkhood Chronicles
by jiraiya's editor
Summary: A series of oneshots about Miroku before he joined the gang and his younger years. pretty much self explanatory, ne?
1. Girl Farm

**Monkhood** **Chronicles**

**Prophecies of the One-Day-To-Be Girl Farm**

**Summary: **Seriously. I am positively sure that you have wondered at least once during the time of reading Inuyasha fanfics what Miroku was doing before he met up with the Inu-gang. I know they did show a bit of a something of how he gets along by himself, but you never REALLY know what he was up to. So here you go. Read and enjoy.

"But Father…" whined a small black-haired boy with a tiny ponytail. "I do NOT want to become a monk! Why do _I_ have to become a monk?" The boy's father looked down at his son.

"Miroku, why don't you want to become a monk? What else can you do?" The young boy brought both hands behind his head with his elbows pointing upwards. He grinned sheepishly, but proudly.

"I want to get married. Even better! I want to be surrounded by girls ALL the time! Maybe I can start a farm and stock up on pretty girls there and be surrounded by pretty and beautiful girls EVERY day, EVERY minute, EVERY second, _maybe_ even EVERY night… "

His father's jaw dropped, but quickly closed again. He brought a gloved hand to his temples and tried to massage some sort of idea into his head to explain to his young, but perverted, future-planning son. '_Well, I know definitely that my actions have certainly rubbed off on him… but a GIRL FARM!_' he looked at his son wearily. '_WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THAT SOONER! No. No. No. No. I can't do that…_' Miroku's head tilted to the side.

"Father? What is your opinion? It's a great idea is it not? Maybe I should get a partner to help me; it's got to be another handsome and good-looking boy like me." Miroku flashed a smile with his two front teeth missing. His father sighed and squatted before his young boy. He raised his right hand up and used his left hand to point at the glove that covered his right hand.

'You remember what I told you about the Wind Tunnel, my curse… our curse, do you not?" The little boy's face grew stern as he noted the raised hand and nodded his head up and down.

"You have to become a monk so you can train to destroy the one that gave our family line this curse and free all your descendants from it." Miroku's head hung down in defeat. Then, remembering something that his father just said, his head sprung back up

"Did you say _descendants_?" he said with a perverted smirk creeping across his features. His father's eyes bugged out as his jaw dropped once more. He raised a hand and whapped himself on his forehead. Shaking his head, he reached out, took his son's left hand in his right, and started down the pathway towards the base of some mountains.

"Come now, Miroku. You're going to be late to prophecy training." He smiled as he heard the boy groan from behind him.

_

* * *

11 years later _(_A/N: Miroku's 16 now, and yes he was just 5 when he had his Girl Farm dream_)

"Come on now, no need to push. You'll all get your chance to have your future prophesied." A handsome young man with jet black hair tied into a small ponytail at the base of his neck sat on a cushion inside a small hut with a long line of people lined up outside. The line consisted of mostly women but it also had a few young men. The juvenile villagers all stood and chatter incoherently amongst themselves about the traveling monk that had just arrived in their village the night before. Most of the women talked of how handsome the young monk was rumored to be, while the young men just wanted to meet someone from outside their village and get some information about their futures.

"NEXT!" a young village girl stepped out of the bamboo-screened doorway of the hut blushing. She gave a quick and embarrassed glance around at the dozens of eyes that turned onto her then started to make her way home. Another young village girl grabbed her arm as she went by and demanded, "What did he _say_?"

The girl's sheepish eyes turned up toward the slightly taller girl who grabbed her arm then looked away and stammered, "Ah… ahh… he said… he said that… ah…" the second girl gave her arm a shake and the girl's eyes flew around to the dozens of young faces that were facing her. "He said that I can't tell anyone… or else my fate will be changed and then he won't be able to prophesize it again…" With that, she twisted her arm out of the other girl's loosened grip and hurried away.

"I said NEXT!" the young man's head poked out from hut. He spotted a beautiful girl standing close to the hut and he brought out his hand and motioned for her to come in next. The girl blushed deeply, honored that the monk would choose her next so he could prophesize her future. Quickly, she made her way towards the hut and slipped in.

It was dark inside the hut, although there were several candles lit and placed in a circle along with two cushions that lay across from each other in the circle. On the cushion farther from where she stood was the monk. He was wearing dark purple and black houshi robes, and had a purple glove on his right hand with prayer beads wrapped around it. A golden staff with rings on the top lay within the reach of his left hand. As she walked over to the cushion closer to the door, she realized that he wasn't looking at her, but he was looking at her body. She blushed and became slightly agitated at the same time, and made the motion to sit down when he suddenly shot up and was behind her in less than a second. She blinked.

"Ah… aren't we suppose t--?" she questioned, but was cut off by something on her bottom. Her eyes started twitching as she turned 10 different shades of red. The monk who felt her stiffen but have no other reaction other than that (he usually got slapped right after that), started rubbing her bottom with the offending hand. Lightening shot through her mind as her hair stood on the edge. She whirled around and slapped the lecherous monk with everything she could muster.

* * *

Outside the hut, all the villagers looked around clueless. A loud whacking sound resounded throughout the village like thunder, but no one knew what made the noise. The younger villagers that stood near the hut, watched the hut closely now. They heard the whack-sound come from the hut but didn't have an explanation for it. 

"Its probably part of the ritual," one of the young men suggested. The rest of the group nodded their heads in reluctant agreement and went back to their senseless chattering.

* * *

Back inside the hut, a stunned-looking houshi blankly blinked while sporting a deep red handprint on his left cheek. In front of him stood a very pissed off, yet beautiful village girl with her hand still in midair in the position after she slapped the monk. Her breathing was still a bit ragged as she glared thousands of daggers at the groper. Slowly, the monk raised his hand to his cheek. It burned like crazy. 

'_But then again_,' as he closed his eyes, '_it was worth the pain, wasn't it?_'

"Y…You… lech…" she stammered. The monk just merely opened his eyes and grinned.

"My name is Miroku and I'm terribly sorry, my beautiful Lady. Please forgive me. You see, in order to uhm… prophesize your future, er… I need to uhh, get in _touch_ with eh… you." The village girl just eyed him, unsure whether to accept his story.

"I thought that for prophesizing, you're to look at PALMS." She held up her hands, palm facing towards the monk. He looked at them blushing.

"Ah, that is true, my lady… but you see… you're so beautiful, I could not resist going for something more…" he trailed off at the blushing glare she gave him. He waved her off and made his way back to his cushion. He abruptly sat down and waited for the beautiful figure to sit down across him. Making himself more comfortable, he started chanting nonsensical words and closed his eyes as the girl across from him watched with raised eyebrows.

_

* * *

Flashback_

"Uhhhhh… it says in the tea leaves that you're going to become a… a… a FARMER!" A younger version of the lecherous monk sat on a large piece of fabric, laid out in a field. Sitting behind him was an old man with beard curling some ways outward as if it was a tangled bush. Across from him was a richly dressed boy about the age of 12, staring blankly at the monk-in-training in front of him. The old man, who sat behind the so-called prophesier, groaned then whapped the monk over the head.

"Miroku! You insolent fool! This is a rich lord's son! He is NOT going to become a lowly FARMER!" he whispered harshly in the young monk's ear. He bowed towards the older boy, "I am terribly sorry, my lord. The tea leaves indicate that you will live a long and healthy life with a beautiful woman. You will also obtain large amounts of land from your union." The lord's son smirked and nodded in acknowledgement. Then, the richly dressed boy rose and left the student monk and the instructor.

As soon as the boy was out of sight, the old instructor whirled on his apprentice.

"You fool! How many times must I tell you!" he old man's anger slightly faltered and he sighed. "Oh well, one more week with you then you'll be off to finish your exorcism training…" he huffed and walked off the hill leaving the confused boy behind.

_End Flashback_

* * *

Miroku opened his eyes, "Hold out your hands." The pretty villager held her hands out in front of herself and he took them in his own. 

"Hmmm… very, very interesting…" he murmured, examining her upturned hands. "_Very_ interesting…"

"What is?" she questioned.

"Well," he began his reply and brought her hands together with his hands cupping them. He looked directly into her eyes with his dark brown ones.

"I prophesize that you will honor me by bearing my child!" He beamed. The village girl, on the other hand, looked horrified and gave him a second resounding slap, this time on his right cheek. Then, she jumped up and stormed out of the hut, leaving the houshi with two red handprints on both sides of his face. (_A/N: the first one was really hard so it hasn't faded away yet XD_)

Suddenly, a young man came bounding into the hut and walked straight up to the monk who was quickly gathering his things. He never was popular at any village after he pulled his infamous, perverted prophecy on a beautiful, but unsuspecting girl. Turning around to glance at who entered the dark hut, he noticed the teen was wearing a dark blue kimono with a long, white strip of cloth tied around his forehead and under some of his light, but short, black hair. He was tall and lean, and looked very handsome and fit. (_A/N: if that's not a good description, then just think of Arima from Kare Kano when he's about to compete in the races_) Before the he could say a thing, Miroku was on one knee in front of the boy, grasping onto his hand.

"For many years I have searched for one such as you!" The boy just gaped down at the monk with eyes twitching. Miroku continued.

"Such a handsome and attractive young man is EXACTLY what I need! Will you consider becoming my… " the boy's eyes widened in horror. "…my partner on my future Miroku's Girl Farm?" the standing boy blinked with eyes that were still widened with horror. Shaking his head to get out of his terrified trance, he pushed the proposing monk away from him.

"You dirty, sick houshi! I'll make you pay for what you said… THAT WAS MY SISTER!" he angrily yelled as he held a fist up. The monk look slightly surprised.

"Oh! That's a great idea! You should invite all your female relatives to go to the farm! Are ALL your sisters as beautiful as that one? Do they all have nice bu--" The village boy, who had veins popping out of his forehead, finally snapped.

"I'LL KILL YOUU!" with that, he lounged for the hentai houshi. The monk, however, just sidestepped out of the way and slipped out of the hut. Just as he appeared on the other side, he was met with several dozen angry eyes, not to mention all the new sets of angry MALE eyes. Miroku gulped and waved at the crowd. Out of the crowd came that same girl that he had prophesized her bearing his child. She pointed at him.

"HE'S THE ONE!"

The whole crowd started chasing after the monk, but he was quicker than they were and he ran faster than ever before (and even faster than any other time when he was with the Inu-tachi, whom he met 2 years later.) He sped his way to the edge of the village and continued to run until he was a good 10 miles away from the village and its threatening villagers. Exhausted, he collapsed on the forest floor and tried to calm his heart.

'_Sad,_' he thought as he reflected upon the events of that day, '_She would have produced such a beautiful child and her brother would have been the perfect partner for my Farm…_' The tired houshi sighed and rose again, and started towards the next unsuspecting village with a happy, lecherous smile playing upon his lips.

* * *

Tell me what ya think…

Btw, I don't own the Miroku Girl Farm idea, no matter how much I wish I did… its derived from Masami Tsuda's Kare Kano (aka: His and Her Circumstances) it's a great manga! Read it sometime! Or actually, I only liked the first volume...

Well, hope yall liked! Review to tell me!


	2. Barbie

**Monkhood**** Chronicles**

**Happy Birthday…**** My Daughter?**

**Summary**: Have you ever wondered what Miroku would be like if he had gotten his hands on a _Barbie_? Oh yessssss… let your imagination run wild. EWWW! Don't go THERE! That's X-rated! XD But who cares what you think when I've written a story about it? Read and enjoy. (btw.. _Barbies_ have been around even before I was born.. so basically, they're like artifacts to me… Hence I'm gonna say that _Barbies_ have been around since 500 years ago :D) and all the censored stuff, they're just there so your imagination really can run wild… -_maniacally laughs_-

A young Miroku woke up to pure, white snow drifting down outside his window. Clambering out of his futon, the young boy stretched and yawned while rubbing the crusted eye-boogers out of his eyes. He glanced across the room to where his parents were sleeping somewhat peacefully. He mentally noted that his father's hand was resting on his mother's rump while his mother looked visibly agitated in her sleep. He, of course, did not really understand what made his father's hands automatically go for his mother's behind (_A/N: but he'll find out soon enough XD_), but never the mind- today was his birthday! His seventh birthday, to be exact.

This meant exactly what it meant for children nowadays that wake up to Christmas day. _Presents_. Oh, how he glowed with excitement. He couldn't wait til midnight, when it was custom for his family to open presents.

But HECK, it was _his_ birthday. Screw the custom!

The mini version of Miroku made his way into the kitchen and over to the small table on the ground. However, food was not his target on this fine winter morning. Oh no, it was the colorfully wrapped objects on the table (_A/N: or at least as colorful as they can get 500 years ago_).

Presents.

To be expected, Miroku dug into the medium-sized pile and went after the biggest one first.

Ripping up the wrappings and tearing open the box… young Miroku was surprised to find a…

'_Cooking pot?_'

Miroku stared at it for a moment, not sure what to make of it. It was large enough for him to sit in- what kind of sadists are those people, anyways?

"Oh heck," he muttered, throwing the pot behind him as he went further into the pile.

'_Now,_' Miroku sat back up, triumphantly holding onto a blue and green present, '_Present number 2!_'

He tore apart the wrappings, exposing a…

'_Teddy bear?_'

Miroku gave the stuffed animal a look of despair and disgust. Stupid adults always freaking thought that kids like stuffed animals.

'_Heck no!_'

The little boy quickly disposed of the abhorred thing by throwing it far away behind him.

'_Present number 3!_'

Socks.

'_Present number 4!_'

A brush.

'_Present number 5!_'

Robes.

'_Present number 6!_'

Candy!

Now _this _present was worth his time. So instead of chucking it behind his head into the pile of other worthless presents, he greedily shoved it into his mouth.

'_Present number 7!_'

A medical kit. (_A/N: Basically like herbs…_) Miroku was slightly interested in the pouch as he rolled over and sniffed at the substances.

"ACHOO!"

Miroku quickly whirled about to check if his parents were still asleep. And sure enough, they were.

He gave a quick sigh of relief as he placed the bag on the ground next to him- it would come in handy to play with later. He would probably lure his next door neighbor and best friend, Chimamaru, out to play then beat him to a pulp then treat him with his present.

'_Present number 8!_'

A blue ball.

'_SERIOUSLY!_' Miroku roared in his mind, '_What kind of a fool do these people take me for!_'

Crossing his arms across his chest, he pouted miserably at the round object that seemed to be pleading for him to play with it. Miroku raised a brow. Either way, it wouldn't matter- he didn't have anyone to play with until Chimamaru woke up.

'_Anyways…_' Miroku shifted his gaze to the last present left on the table.

The little boy had purposely left this present for last for one _very_ good reason.

It was wrapped in pink paper.

"Eeyuck…" Miroku made a face as he poked the pink object.

He couldn't touch that thing… it was **PINK**!

But still… it was _his_ present.

Carefully making sure that his parents were fast asleep and that all the curtains were pulled close, Miroku quietly snuck up to the pink box.

Little by little, Miroku peeled off the offending color wrapping- making sure that the least amount of pink was touching his very manly hands.

Minutes passed, I mean… (_checks__ the time_) Oh my gosh! An _hour_ passed before he had finally removed the girly-pink crap to reveal…

"What the heck is this?" Miroku looked at the pink box that held a doll in it.

But it was no ordinary doll.

"Bar… Bi… E…" the little boy read the box.

'_Huh…_'

He read the rest of the label.

_Special Edition: Japanese-style Barbie!_

"Pfft…" Miroku pffted as he took another glance at the doll, I mean, Barbie inside. For some very, very odd and strange reason, the doll looked a heck of a lot like his future teammate, Sango. His dark eyes were now examining the extremely attractive doll held in the box. Gosh, did she have an awesome figure… not to mention the size of her censored! Not even his own mother had that big of a censored!

Miroku flipped to box around, reading as he went.

_Special Edition: Japanese-styled Barbie comes with…_

_ 1 Yukata(s)_

_ 2 Kimono(s)_

_ 1 Fan(s)_

_ 1 pair of Slippers_

_ 1 pair of Sandals_

'_Blah… Blah… Blahhh…_' Miroku began scanning through the rest of the list of bonus items that came with the Barbie.

_1__ Swimsuit(s)_

'_Swimsuit?_' Miroku read interested now- he had never heard of a 'swimsuit' before…

Within seconds, Miroku was opening the box and laying all the accessories, clothes, and whatnots next to the Barbie doll. Then, picking up the doll, the little boy began removing it from its binding.

But alas, all too soon, the doll had come free from the cardboard (_A/N: Don't ask me how they had cardboard back then…_) and was being held in the hands of a soon-to-be extremely perverted little boy.

The Barbie was wearing a summer festival kimono that was loosely tied about the waist, therefore showing a very nice censored to the gaping boy.

Miroku gulped as he set the doll down.

Now… where was that 'swimsuit'…

The little boy picked up a spandex-something that he could not identify.

'_This is it?_' he pondered, raising a brow. His eyes traveled from the busty, I mean… censored Barbie to the skimpy-looking 'swimsuit'

Miroku laughed giddily in his mind.

He was going to change a _girl_'s clothes!

His heart was beating loudly as he reached for the doll.

Ba-Bump. Ba-Bump.

His thumb was now under the fold of her kimono… He was REALLY going to do this! He was-

"Miroku-chan!"

Miroku quickly hid the Barbie behind his back as he whirled about to see his parents coming into the kitchen.

His mother looked frantic.

"You opened all your presents already?" she spoke, looking agitated and upset at the same time.

His father, however…

"Oh-ho ho!" he laughed as he thumped Miroku on the shoulder, "My boy's turning seven today- He's a big boy now! He can open his presents whenever he wants!"

A glare from his wife quickly hushed him.

"With your mother's approval of course…" his dad sheepishly added with a fake laugh as his mother's glare turned into a happy smile.

"Yay! My little boy is all grown up now!" she said giving Miroku a big hug, then turning to look at the presents he had opened.

"Did you like your presents?" she asked with a big smile.

"Yes," Miroku lied.

"That's good," she replied as she went through the presents.

His father, however…

"Eh? Miroku… What's that you're hiding behind your back?"

Miroku growled at his father in his mind.

"N-Nothing…" Miroku lied again.

"Oh come now!" his father said, reaching for Japanese-styled Barbie, "Let your old man see!"

He took the doll from his son's hands.

"What's this?" his father asked, raising a brow as he examined the doll, "Whoa! Mitsuki-chan! Look at this! This doll's got a huge censored!"

His wife turned about, her confused look turning rapidly into a death glare as she swiped the Barbie doll away from her husband and whacked him over the head with it.

"Y-You… You…" his mother seethed.

"M-Mommy?" mini-Miroku toddled up to his mom's side, tugging on her apron.

Bad move.

"YOU!" she pointed an accusing finger down at her son, "Where did _THIS _come from?"

Miroku buggered off her and shyly pointed at the box on the table.

Storming over to the table, she reached down a pulled out a card from the paper wrapping.

_Dear Mitsuki-chan!_

_ I'm so happy to hear that you've had your first child. Sana-kun (he's my third ex-boyfriend, if you don't remember) tells me that it's a girl! I bet she'll grow up to be just as beautiful as you. Thank goodness it's not a boy- with that husband of yours I'd bet that she would have turned out to be just like him, or even worse! I know that I heard the news quite late, but I hope that your daughter will like this present!_

_ Your fifth cousin, twice removed, and fourth best friend,_

_ Onami Yuka_

Slowly, Miroku's mother turned around. Her calmness was eerie- but her eyes were just scary.

If she had been storming before, now she was hell's hurricane just waiting to be released.

"Honey?"

Her trembling husband looked up expectantly at his wife.

"Y-Yes?"

An evil-like smile crept onto her lips.

"Wasn't Sana-kun just here playing with Miroku-chan before he left to visit Yuka in her village?"

"Y-Yes, h-honey…"

"And he was here just yesterday to being the present, right?"

Her husband nodded furiously.

A big smile crept onto her face.

"Honey, fix our birthday boy some breakfast… I need to go do something right now."

Her husband moved silently towards their son and held him by his shoulders as Mitsuki disappeared out the doorway with the Japanese-styled Barbie in hand.

"Son, right now, I want to pass along some knowledge to you."

Miroku looked up at his father curiously.

"Never marry a woman who can kill you when she's pissed off, and never make friends with someone who can make your future wife pissed enough to kill."

Miroku nodded understandingly as he reached for the blue ball lying on the ground.

Suddenly, there was a blood-curdling scream that filled the entire village. Then…

"COME BACK HERE YOU –BEEP- OF A –BEEP- IDIOT! I'M GOING TO –BEEP-ING MURDER YOU FOR GIVING MY SON A –BEEP- WITH A –BEEP- OF A –BEEP- AND –BEEBEEBEPPBABEPPBEPPEPEPEPBEEEPPP- THING! YOU BETTER GET BACK –BEEP- HERE OR JUST –BEEP-ING DIE ALREADY!"

Miroku's father looked down at his son.

Miroku looked up at his father.

And there was much rejoicing.

* * *

What do you think? Do you like it? Do you hate it? Do you LOVE me? T-T 

Anyways… I'm kinda outta ideas already for this story… so please give me ideas? If you would please be so nice… ah. So yeah.

Thank you for reading!


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